The Revival pt.7: Told from a penis persepective.

Tweet: A young, scared future daddy reads about his new endeavor! What is he nuts?!?! #twitterive

It has been six months now. Six months of ovulation tests that look like pregnancy tests. Six months of zero spontaneity. Six months of planned sex. You would think that a guy like me, well any guy, would love the idea of six months of sex with his amazing wife. So, why is it that I cringe when I hear Erin’s shriek from the bathroom, “I’m ovulating! Hurry up! Let’s get naked!”

 “Sure honey,” is always my reply.

I try to put on my game face and put myself in the mood, but it’s just so hard to get well, hard. My wife is smokin’ hot, don’t get me wrong, but she thinks you can just turn a switch or something to get a hard-on. Honestly it sucks.

Erin and I have been married for a year now, and for the first six months of our marriage the sex was good, no I’m lying, the sex was amazing. It was spontaneous, sex-on-the-kitchen-table sex, it was shower sex, it was anywhere-we-could-find sex. God, I miss those days.

It started six months ago. It was Erin’s thirtieth birthday party. I threw her a surprise party with all of our friends from college and our families. I had it downtown at her favorite restaurant, and saying she was surprised was an understatement.

“SURPRISE!!!”

“Oh my. What the? Kevin!!! Did you? Is this for? Oh my god,” Erin babbled through the tears.

“It’s all for you baby. You deserve it,” I whispered in her ear.

As she made her rounds around the room, I handed her favorite drink, dirty goose martini (extra dirty, no olives) and she looked at me with the look of overwhelming happiness. I finally pulled one off! She had no idea and she was super excited. I definitely got some bonus points.

“Aunt Lola! Oh my goodness. I can’t believe you came all the way from Florida! Thank you so much for coming,” said Erin.

“Of course I came. You think I would I miss my only niece’s thirtieth birthday party?” said Aunt Lola. “

So, now when are you and Kevin going to get to the baby making? It’s been six months you know. They say after your thirty your eggs start to dry out. So, make sure tonight you start making babies because your biological clock is ticking sweetie.”

Oh shit.  I thought to myself. I know my wife better than anyone and Aunt Lola’s word was God’s word in her eyes. If Aunt Lola said Erin’s eggs were drying up, then they were. Despite the fact that Erin’s doctor would tell her different.

I kind of drowned the rest of the conversation out and walked over to the bar for another shot of black. I kind of had a feeling this was the start of something not so good. Of course Erin and I have always wanted children, but I hated the idea of being pressured into it.

So, that’s when the planned sexual encounters started. They were a few times a day, a few times a month, and ONLY during ovulation of course. I tried to have spontaneous sex with Erin when she looked especially hot, or I was especially horny, and most of the time I got rejected.

Erin would say, “We can’t waste precious sperm on non-ovulation days Kevin, come on now, you know better.”

This was my life now. So, not only are my meetings at work planned, but so is sex with my wife. I just want her to be pregnant already, so we can be done with this part of our lives, so we can be parents.

Erin rushed in from work with pregnancy test number 1,645 and dashed to the bathroom as usual. This has been her MO for the past six months. She takes the test, sees the negative result, and sobs in the bathroom for about an hour. I try to help her, but she likes to be left alone. She’s taking this really hard, and she refuses to talk about it. We talk about everything and always have, but I think she feels like a failure.

“It’s not your fault honey. These things take time. We should just let it happen,” is usually what I say to her.

Her response is usually along the lines of, “Kevin, shut up! You have no idea what’s it’s like to know that your precious eggs and ovaries are rotting away inside of you.”

You’re right. I don’t, because I don’t have those parts. Geeezz! Didn’t she pay attention in health class?

So, I’ve learned to avoid her during the testing phase. I usually do work in my office and wait for the dust to settle. I feel so guilty. I feel so horrible that she has to go through all of this. And what if after everything is said and done it’s me who’s the problem? Then what? Will she leave me?

I decided she needed to start talking to me about all of the fertility issues. Maybe we need to see someone to see if it’s me who is the problem.

I picked up a big bouquet of her favorite Gerber daisies on the way home, and after her sobbing hour we were going to talk.

I waited outside of the bathroom door, and I was shaking. Why was I so nervous? I knocked on the door.

“Honey, are you okay in there?”

“Yes, I am fine, but I can’t pee.”

“Want me to get you some water? Or maybe you can put on the faucet?”

“Thanks asshole I know how to pee,” she said as I heard her turn the water on.

“Ahhh. So, listening to assholes these days, huh?”

I heard her chuckle, and I instantly relaxed. Her laugh is part of the reason I fell in love with her. She has an amazing laugh. It’s contagious.

“Oh my god!” I heard her scream through the door.

“Oh my god! Kevin get in here!”

“Ummm…it’s locked. What’s going on? Are you okay? Did you fall in?”

“No asshole! I think I’m pregnant!”

“You’re what? Open the damn door Er!”

She opened the door and gazed into my eyes like she did on our wedding day and held up the stick with a big dark purple plus sign and said, “We’re pregnant. We did it babe. We’re gonna be parents.”

This was the most calm I’d seen Er in months.

Thank fucking god! Spontaneous sex here we come!

“Er, see I told you! It just had to be the right time. We’re gonna have a baby.”

Oh shit, we’re gonna have a baby.

I grabbed her and gave her the longest hug ever, and we cried. Yes I’m a big pussy and I cried. Just wait until you find out your going to be a parent. Although, now that I think about it. I don’t know if I cried tears of happiness, or tears of fear?

“Hold on. I have something for you.”

Erin ran into the bedroom.

“Oh wait, I have something for you too.”

I ran into the fridge to get her bouquet of flowers.

We met in the living room and sat on the couch.

“I’ll go first,” I said as I pulled the bouquet from behind my back.

“Oh my god, Kev. They are gorgeous. But, how did you? Where did you?” the tears began to flow.

“I just knew,” I said. Which, by the way, was a total bullshit line. I didn’t want to tell her what I thought our talk was going to be about tonight.

“Thank you baby. I love you so much. You’re going to be an awesome dad.”

Oh shit. I’m going to be a dad.

“Okay, okay. My turn,” she said with excitement. It’s true what they say about pregnant women. She was honestly glowing.

“Ta-da!” Erin pulled a book out from behind her back, The Expectant Father Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be.

“Wow, ummm thanks babe.”

 I got her flowers and she got me a book? Not Artie Lange’s new book, mind you, a book about how to be a dad? I thought she said I was going to be a great dad?In fact, I think she used the word "awesome."

Then, why did I need some fucking book to tell me how?

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